Alone in the Theater

I just made the shameful mistake of going to see "Alone in the Dark". It quite possibly is the worst written movie I have ever seen, though the special effects and sound track were also trying hard to win their own "Worst Ever" awards.

Whatever you do, don't go see this movie. My friend and I were in the mood for a silly B-rate action flick. What we got was a rancid attempt at an acid metal sound track dubbed over a terrible film. Unfortunately, it wasn't bad in the way that you can laugh through and enjoy. The good guys were a bunch of clowns in nerf body armor who spent most of their time pointing their guns at each other and their own feet while letting poorly done CGI monsters get within touching distance before deciding to shoot at them.

From the title, I expected a "Pitch Black" style of movie, with creepy darkness, dimly viewed creatures and suspense. What I got was a group of idiots who were never alone and were never in the dark. All significant characters were carrying bright Surefire lights (great products in spite of appearing in this film) and were followed around by overzealous lighting crews to make sure we could watch every poorly delivered line, see every fumbling attempt at gun-play and notice every silly scrap of foam armor.

If that weren't bad enough, the film stars Christian Slater, in spite of him not appearing in most of the previews shown on television. If Oedipus had sat through this movie, nobody would have thought him strange for gouging out his own eyes.

Even if you can see it for free, don't bother, as you will only lose 96 minutes of your life. If you go see it, you'll be alone in the theater. I saw it on opening day and there were only eight of us in the large stadium style cinema as apparently everyone else knew just how bad it would be. Out of eight viewers, only five of us managed to endure it all the way to the asinine ending.